


Despair (And what comes with it.)

by cuspidate



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, F/F, Guardian Angel AU, Humanstuck, Just Overall Suffering For Our Dearest Kanaya, alcohol mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-26 15:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2657867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuspidate/pseuds/cuspidate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya, as she’d reminded herself many times, was dead. It was really cruel, really, to put her there as Rose’s guardian angel, where she couldn’t touch, talk to or make any sort of contact with her loved one.</p><p> </p><p>In which Kanaya died before meeting Rose and thus became her guardian angel for as long as she's alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Despair (And what comes with it.)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so I wrote this like literally years ago when I still liked rosemary and didn't think soulmates were bullshit but I figured I might as well revamp it and post it here as some sort of rocky beggining. Seriously I could be playing "How far we've come" in the distance here.  
> Anyway yeah enjoy because that and another one based on the same AU that I'll probably post eventually are most probably the only rosemary you can expect from me lmao

                Rose was such a beautiful lady. In her thirty-somethings, Kanaya couldn’t think of someone she’d rather be with. Of course, that could be the fact they were kind of soul mates speaking. And, of course, it didn’t really matter, because Kanaya, as she’d reminded herself many times, was dead. It was cruel, really, to put her there as Rose’s guardian angel, where she couldn’t touch, talk to or make any sort of contact with her loved one.

But sometimes... Sometimes all Kanaya could think about was how she was happy she was the one who died prematurely, and not Rose. Over the time Kanaya had looked after the girl (Years. Kanaya kept having to remind herself it’d already been years.), Kanaya had quickly fallen in love with the blonde, the other one’s existence taking no time to completely engulf her own, invalidating any bitterness she could’ve developed. Kanaya was always there to guard her from nightmares (She found it odd how Rose’s nightmares were always about tentacle horrors far off into space, but years pushing them away got her no closer to knowing what was up with that.), to offer intangible comfort when Rose felt as if nothing mattered, and to hug her when the blonde couldn’t stop crying, no matter how much she tried.

Sometimes, Kanaya could swear Rose would hear her. The blonde was quick to dismiss it, blaming the soft voice on the wind or whatever was the most convenient excuse at the time, but Kanaya knew it happened. She knew her loved one was not completely oblivious to her untouchable presence, to Kanaya’s spirit always guiding her own through it’s chaotic life. And that in itself was so much consolation, knowing that at some level Rose knew or at least considered she might be there, that it made her believe there was hope for their (She hated to consider it only hers.) love.

Kanaya was there when Rose found a good man to marry, one who made her feel safe. That hurt, seeing her loved one with a person that wasn’t her, that wasn’t who she knew Rose was meant to be with. Kanaya almost gave up, coming to the conclusion that Rose no longer needed her. That she’d been replaced, even if she wasn’t even a part of Rose’s life to begin. (Sometimes she felt stupid for that, but sometimes it made some sense and it hurt, hurt so very much that she felt like her own feelings were about to rip through her ethereal being.) She was in confusion for so long, wondering why she kept going, why she was still by Rose’s side, years later, when the blonde woman was drowning herself in alcohol, following her mother’s footsteps to forget about the disastrous marriage that ended up in only pain. But while Kanaya whispered kind words, embracing a crying Rose that didn’t even know she was there, whispering many, many times how much she loved her, Rose’s breath hitched, and she bent herself in pain.

The ghost woman could do nothing but to stand there confused, completely unsure of what to do, or if there even was anything to do. There should be something she could do, though. She couldn’t just sit by and watch, not when Rose looked like she was in so much pain. But then Kanaya noticed how Rose was clutching tightly the clothing right in front of where her heart was, and the painful realization dawned on Kanaya. Of course. Rose had been showing signs of a heart disease for months now, but she was quick to ignore them.

She realised she could do nothing but watch as her loved fell on the floor in pain, life already being sucked out of her body in such a violent manner. She could only wish her Rose wouldn’t meet a slow end, on top of the painful part. She could only wish she would be the one feeling that pain instead of her beloved. Her own heart, as nonexistent as it was, clenched in sorrow that slid through her body, coursing it’s cold and cruel feeling through every part of her soul, making her sure she was feeling cold for the first time in years.

The breathing stopped, and time slowed down. Kanaya’s entire being froze in place, unsure of what to do. Her heart felt heavy, her body felt heavy, and it didn’t feel any better when she fell to her knees, eyes locked on the form that was once her only reason for living the ethereal life she led. Her hands were numb and barely felt like an extension of her own body, but rather a foreign object inserted there for whatever reason. Every creek of her body screamed in despair and pain and helplessness because there was nothing she could’ve done and Rose was gone and she didn’t know what to do and what was there even to do?

Her mind was running so fast but was halted at the same time. While thoughts still ran through her head at an absurd speed, blinding her watering eyes and causing her entire kneeled body to shake in horror, her thoughts were nothing. They led or added up to nothing, they made no sense. She couldn’t think of anything, process anything that wasn’t the echoing chain of “Oh God, she’s dead.” that ran through every corner of her consciousness, assaulting her logic and causing the girl to be unable to do anything more than to stare, to stare at the body that held all her affections and have the knowledge that that person was gone, torturing her over and over and over again until there was nothing but numbness.

She didn’t cry, because she couldn’t. She was just too desperate to. Looking back on it, she’s glad for that, because as soon as all hope had been washed from her body that felt so small over the looming situation, once all she had left was existing, when she didn’t know what to do anymore… She felt a tap on her shoulder, a touch she hadn’t felt since her premature death so many years ago.

Rose, she noticed when she turned around a few seconds too late, was standing behind her in a form as ethereal as her own. “Ah, so that’s the appearance of the constant spirit in my life. I expected something more alike of a corpse or a hellish monster, ready to drive my poor soul into the furthest depths of whatever is worse than hell. I hope you’re not here to do just that, by the way.” She gave Kanaya a warm, thankful smile, and everything was happy again, her world filled with bright colors because of that smile, that killer smile she’d observed for so long and she adored so much and it was now pointed at her and only her and she felt like she’d melt right then and there.

The realization that Rose was finally, finally there with her, acknowledging her and seeing her struck Kanaya harder than she’d expected. The brunette would never think she’d one day describe a feeling as “A gut destroying punch that makes you the happiest person in the world”, but there she was, mentally doing just that. While Kanaya stared at her long loved’s spirit, the blonde offered her a hand to help in getting up, which she gladly accepted, words still slipping by her. “Right, then.” Rose continued. “I figure we’ll be having a lot of time to catch up, so might I start by asking your name?”


End file.
